my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize