I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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