So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
