We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
