I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize