I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
