i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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