I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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