there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
