I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
