i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
