How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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