Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
