Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
