I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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