I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize