remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
