I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Randomize
