I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
