Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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