I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
