I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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