My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
time to smoke my breakfast
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
