I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize