Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
