I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
