dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
