either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You made out with two different species that night
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize