Jerry, you need to find god
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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