Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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