my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
