textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
