Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
