It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
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