Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
