so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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