exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
