no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
