how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
