got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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