i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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