Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
