At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize