Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
