I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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