dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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