good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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