whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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