I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
