Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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