I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
