Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
