i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
