Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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