the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
