If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
