I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
