walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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