i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize