my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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