i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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